Way down at the bottom of the sidebar, right there on your right, just above the ads, is a list of referrals. That is, the links that brought people to this site. At this moment it tells me that 24 people came here from google.com. A few through Gmail (most likely because they put an article on their watch list and got an email when a comment was left. At least one of those is me.), but most from the search engine. "Egyptian girl" seems to be the most popular search, probably because the title of that article is the most likely to catch the eye of someone who's just tooling around the world wide web. A couple of people came searching for Seconds Poem, and I hope that my one artistic endeavor left some kind of impression. And someone looking for "karen's profile pictures" was probably dissapointed to find this article on Karen's Walk instead.
But the other day one of them caught my eye. why do people get angry when they are lonely I'm the number three result, with the "Me Feeling Lonely" entry. The #1 result is some FAQ about suicide. That's slightly disturbing. Mine kind of had an answer to the question burried in there. I kind of danced around it, though, not really wanting to admit it. Let me quote the relevant passage:
It makes me angry sometimes. Love is something precious. Something I want desperately to be a part of. To think that someone could just play with it, and throw it away... Argh. Like I said, it makes me angry.
It's so unfair. They don't even want it; why should they be the ones who have it? |
Now I'm not feeling anywhere near as low now as I was when I wrote that entry. I'd kind of like to think I've turned a corner, and am on my way up. But still I want to explain this. In the above passage, I was talking about the "asshole" guys we all know, who somehow have a new girlfriend every other week. But I wasn't
just talking about them. Here, let me pull out the relevant part:
| It's so unfair. ...why should they be the ones who have it? |
That's what I was really feeling. The rest was just window dressing. Me trying to make it seem less whiney and selfish. When you boil it down, it's just envy I was feeling. Not just towards asshole guys who somehow had girlfriends, but to everyone who had what I wanted. At least sometimes. Like the guy who works in the Computer Science office (student employee). How come he works there, and I work at Gracie's? I could do that job just as well as he could. Okay, that was kind of random and unjustified, but I had spent at least a month at the beginning of last year looking for a different on-campus job, and came up with diddly squat. It's not like any of those office jobs require any kind of special skills that I don't have. And what the hell good is this "work study" thing if it doesn't actually give you an advantage over other job-seeking students? They say it does, but it doesn't.
Okay, I'm over it now. About halfway through this year I got a job as a grader, and I'm done with Gracie's now. So that's all good.
Anyway, I had a point here. And the point was this: I felt that I deserved things--love, a job, that sort of thing--just as much as anybody else. And it actually pissed me off that the universe didn't see fit to give me what I deserved, when it lavished gifts on everyone else. So I would get angry at the bastards who had more than their fair share--or even just their fair share--when I had nothing. Even with people I otherwise had no problem with, I would get pissed off when they started talking about things that I thought I should have, too. I never showed it, but inside I was being a real bastard.
I want to try to distance myself from that now. The universe isn't going to just give me what I deserve, as much as I want it to. I'm going to have to go out there somehow and get it for myself.
That sounds like a project for next school year. Right now I'm ready to do some serious lounging around in the sun with a good book or three.