Thoughts from last night

Feeling lonely

Published on September 12, 2005 By PJ_ In Personal Relationships

I have pens, but no paper to write with. And I'm tired of sitting in that chair in front of the computer. So I'm lying in bed, with the company laptop on my stomach. The keyboard is hard to get used to. Backspace is in a different place, and the spacebar isn't as sensitive as mine. Typing this takes almost as long as writing it out by hand. But I shall persevere.

What did I want to write? I'm not sure. I finished reading Lovelock today. It's a moving story. You should read it. The whole thing is written as kind of a diary, so I guess that's where I got the idea.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, sitting here in my room. All weekend I hardly came out of it. Of course I have the excuse that I don't know anyone in this area at all, but that doesn't make life any less dull when I have no one but myself for company.

Ever here of the site OKCupid? I found out about it because Jeff took one of their personality tests and posted his result in his blog. (He didn't link to the site; I hunted down where the text came from myself.) I found the site a week or so ago and took the test myself, out of curiosity. I don't really take those things seriously, but sometimes I like to see what result I get. (The "Which book are you?" quiz says that I'm I, Robot.) I didn't create an account when I took the quiz (actually I did, but I used my throwaway hotmail address and I don't remember what the username was), but yesterday I went back, created an account, and started answering personality questions. I'm not sure why. I haven't posted my picture or written anything in my profile, just answered the questions and had it tell me that there was an 80% chance I would "match" with certain females within a 100 mile radius.

I've thought about joining a site like that a few times over the past year, but it always seemed vaguely pathetic to me. A 20 year old college male shouldn't need an online service to meet girls, right? Even in Rochester there should be a few floating around, right?

I'm getting emotional now. I'm starting to tear up, and I'm feeling like my situation is hopeless.

I was just comparing myself in my head to Christopher at the end of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Who does he think he's kidding when he says that maybe some day he'll find a lady to be his wife? When he's terrified of strangers and can't tolerate human contact.

And here I, instead of doing what normal people do when they want to meet someone of the opposite sex I'm sitting in my room crying, confiding in my laptop, my closest and only confidant. What the hell do normal people do, anyway? That was never really explained to me.

I just figured why I answered so many questions but didn't bother to fill in the profile. If I fill in the profile, that means I'm actually trying to use the site to meet people. By just answering questions for the matching algorithm, I'm seeing what people are out there. Like I'm going into a singles bar or whatever to look at all the beautiful women I'll never have the courage to talk to.

The phrase "torturing myself" comes to mind, but then I think about the other option, which is to stay in my room and try not to think about it. Try to convince myself that I don't really want to talk to them anyway.

Am I slipping backwards? Should I try to find a therapist out here?

No, it's not because I've been out of therapy. It's because it's been months since I've seen the few friends that I have at school. I've been sitting alone all summer, of course I'm drawing back into myself.

Don't you wish there was a magic pill you could take that would fix everything? I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed, for all the good that'll do me. I have work in the morning.

Comments

Cordelia

on Sep 12, 2005

PJ_: I've read some of your other blogs and I feel for you. I think that when a person starts feeling this way (as I have in the past) it's a very difficult situation to get out of. I might suggest that you try to join some kind of club at school to meet people. I don't mean the Glee club or some such - God forbid! Something nice and quiet and sedate. Perhaps volunteering your time, if you have any, at some local charity/shelter. Perhaps getting a some side job on campus. These activities would force you into more social situations from which other social "situations" could stem. I don't know what you've got going on in terms of free time, so my suggestions may seem ridiculous.

It amazes me in this day and age how many people I know who are so terribly, terribly lonely. I am one of them at times, although I admit I have a MUCH better social life than I did 15 years ago when I was starting college. It's so hard to meet people, and to break out of the shell we build around ourselves. My fear kept me from meeting people, but eventually it happened.

I invite you to join the #joeuser chat room (if you chat), though I admit not many people hang out there and it's pretty dead in the evening (past 6 pm EST) and weekends. I'd be happy to say hello in person, but promise not to torment you with constant questions about your state of mind.

http://zoomba.joeuser.com/index.asp?AID=73899 (Article about the chat room, if you need it).

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!