Here I am

for all to see

Published on April 17, 2005 By PJ_ In Misc

So. This is me, posting a blog entry. Mostly at this point I'm looking at how this site works. It's not as snazzy as Jeff's Blog, but it's free and I already had an account here.

I'm shy about talking about myself. Putting myself out there. I don't tell anyone personal details. I keep my distance. That's the way I've been all my life. But I'm never going to get to where I want to be in life if I stay that way forever. And that's aside from the fact that I can't get a god-damned job because my lack of any kind of personal skills always screws up the interview.

Seriously, is social anxiety disorder a disability? Because I think I might be being discriminated against. My lack of eye contact has no bearing on my ability to do the job I'm applying for...

Back on topic. I've decided that my thoughts shouldn't just stay in my head. I need to write stuff down somewhere. But writing stuff down and keeping it to myself isn't much different from keeping it in my head. I was playing around with FreeNet last week, and there was this messaging system they had that was described as something like an "anonymous usenet." I made my own little board and posted a few little things to it. The kind of crap I'm going to post here eventually. It felt kind of good to get some of my thoughts out there, but it was mostly symbolic, since it would be extreemly difficult to trace them to me and most likely no one at all saw them. Anyway, I have an idea that if I post stuff publicly in this medium, maybe I'll get used to the idea of exposing more of myself in interpersonal interactions. Come watch as I work through my psychological disorders, out here for the entire internet to see.

Of course, the idea here is that the internet isn't composed of real people, but rather cute, distinctive icons next to blocks of text. Baby steps.

Of course I haven't actually told anyone about this site or linked to it anywhere. So right now I'm just writing to my private diary, except with the possibility that it could come up in somebody's Google search. What sort of search would this be relevant to? None. Internet polution is all this is.

A drop in the bucket. Most data on the internet is a waste of space. And that's a whole hell of a lot of data. Gigabytes and gigabytes... That reminds me, there's a course on Data Mining offered in the winter. I have to remember to take it. I don't have many RIT winters left...

That's a sobering thought. College is more than half over. A lot more than half over. I'm close to the end of the third year. They say it's a five year program, but that's counting a full year of co-op, and you're probably away from the school for that time. Shit. Shit shit shit. I've never been on a date. My life is passing away right before my eyes.

This is depressing. I don't want to think about this anymore. I have to do something. I really do.

Them mentioned Free Associating Writing in The Sixth Sense. that's not what I'm doing. I am thinking about what I'm saying. I'm just writing most of it down. This is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be, and I'm rambling because I'm very tired and I need to go to bed. Rambling isn't necessarily a bad thing. Now if only I was talking to someone instead of talking to myself.

Enough of this. Goodnight, internet. Sleep tight.

Maybe in a week or so I'll link to this blog in my profile or something. Writing shit down and posting it isn't the same as exposing it to the world of people I know, whose opinions I care about. I'll get there eventually. Think in terms of positive action. I wonder if this is going to make sense when I go back and read it again. I wonder if it makes sense to anybody else.

Okay, seriously now. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

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