Directly from my brain and onto the internet.
Published on April 24, 2005 By PJ_ In Personal Relationships
I lost at least an hour's worth of typing when I accidently hit the power key on my keyboard, shutting my whole computer down within seconds. I know what you're thinking: "Peter, why is there a power key on your keyboard?" There isn't. I got out my screwdriver and took the damn thing apart to get rid of it. The sleep and wake buttons are still there, but it was hard enough to get that one out, and I figure they're less dangerous.

Anyway, I can't match the quality of words that came directly out of my head as I was going through the thoughts initially, but here it goes. I went to a party. Spent about an hour there. It was crowded as hell. I don't think you could have fit any more people into that room. The combination of people-noise and music with too much base gave me a headache. There were some people there that I knew. I said hi to them. But for all intents and purposes, I stood in a corner not saying a word for the whole hour.

Parties like that are definitely not my thing. I don't see how there's even an opportunity for social interaction when it's too crowded to walk around the room freely.

Now imagine I said that with twice as many words. I wish I still had those words, because summarizing things kind of defeats the purpose of keeping this journal, but some jackass decided that I might need to turn off my computer without moving my arm two feet and put the power button some place where it's easy to hit by accident.

Anyway, I'm almost to the point where I left off. I'll try to give some more detail now, to try to get back into it. It's already after 2:30 in the morning, though. I was kind of hoping to have this written and posted by now. But thoughts are always less clear the next day. Or maybe just less raw. I'm trying to capture raw thought here, not the summary you see up there of the part that got lost due to poor keyboard design.

So, right before I left the party I heard some people talking.

Thought interruption
Remember that scene in Napolean Dynamite where Napolean says to Pedro, "So, you and I are pretty much friends by now, right?" I feel like that sometimes. Okay, all the time. The thing about needing confirmation. I won't use the word "friend" to describe someone unless they've used it first. I'd feel like I was overstepping my bounds by claiming friendship before it was expressly granted.
End thought interruption

And the reason for that thought interruption was because I wanted to use the word "friend" in the next sentence. They were talking about this guy, who I guess you could say is a friend of mine. Something about how he was hitting on someone, and he's frequently hitting on people. He's not really "hitting on" women all the time. He's just kind of a flirt, and I guess it can sometimes come across that way. Anyway, there wasn't more to the conversation than that. But it got me thinking about this guy, and women.

Okay, time for a little background on me. I'm 20 years old, and it's my third year in college. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

So I was thinking about this guy. He says he hasn't been on a date since he came to this school--two years--but I know he had a girlfriend at home. They broke up, I'm not sure why, but they're still friends.
It's two hours since I started writing this entry, counting the hour that I lost. And on top of that it's almost 3am. So my thoughts that I wanted to record aren't as clear now as they were when I started. But it just stirs up emotions in me when I think about people with girlfriends. People going out on dates, getting together, breaking up. "Hooking up," or whatever they're calling that these days.

I'm so alone. And I feel like I'll always be alone. How do people get togher? Why haven't I ever gotten toghether with someone? What am I supposed to be doing? No one ever told me how to do this. It's not like I'm looking to sleep with a different girl every week. I just want to find one person that I can share my life with. But I don't even know where to start. Some guys do wind up sleeping with another girl every few weeks. How do they do that? And why do girls keep going towards them?

It makes me angry sometimes. Love is something precious. Something I want desperately to be a part of. To think that someone could just play with it, and throw it away... Argh. Like I said, it makes me angry.

It's so unfair. They don't even want it; why should they be the ones who have it?

It's way past my bedtime now. I have to stop here. Goodnight, everyone. (And by "everyone" I mean the 15 people who clicked on this article when it was in the recent articles section of the sidebar.")

*There's a connecting link in there somewhere between the guy and my feeling of lonliness. It got lost somewhere between my having to start over and it being 3am. Sorry about the disconnectedness of it. I was just thinking of all the girlfriends he's had, or something like that. He's going to tell me it's not that many, but I'm sure it's more than one. Anyway, that's all I have to say.

on Apr 24, 2005
Sorry to hear you feeling so low... As for the guys who get laid all the time? Just start being an asshole and stop giving women attention. Overnight they will be begging you for ttention constantly. Hell I never had so many female friends as I have since I stopped being so damn nice to them.
on Apr 24, 2005

Sadly, I think greywar might have a point, but I believe finding a person to have a relationship with can be done without resorting to those measures (with all due respect to the learned greywar, of course). I think part of the problem is one of confidence. Women still, for the most part, expect men to approach them and not the other way around. You said you stood in the corner for an hour and then left, and therefore I assume you did not approach anyone you didn't know to introduce yourself.

Having said that, is it easy for someone who is shy to approach women? I am certain it is not. And it sounds like you don't have many friends to help you out with introductions? And of course, if you were to approach a woman, stammering and not looking them in the eye (which you said you don't do) they are unlikely to respond in a positive way.

The trick with greywar's advice is not so much to be an "asshole", but to act as if you don't care. Approach a woman, introduce yourself, and if she seems to be giving you the brush off then to hell with her and move on to the next woman.

Oh, it's just that easy isn't it? Allright, it's not easy, and it's as painful as it gets for someone who is shy (I'm using the word shy to encompass many things you have mentioned in past articles). Perhaps another way of meeting someone? There are events designed to help people meet others, but would you want to go? To what extent are you willing to go in order to meet someone?

I suggest next time you are at a party, when you say hello to someone you know, ask them to introduce you to one or two people (male or female) and then try and have a short conversation with that new person - just to get into the swing of things. I realize this advice might seem lame, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Sorry for the long response! Thanks for posting.

on May 08, 2005
Number 1 you are young.....I didn't have my *first* date until my Senior year in Highschool. The relationship lasted 4 years. It was a terrible break up for me 'cause I got dumped. It took me a year to get over the emotional distress and to be ready to date again. Not that I did. I didn't have a date until 2 years after the incident. That relationship lasted 3 months (Woo hoo!!) Seriously....a year after that I met my husband on a blind date no doubt (my parents met on a blind date also and they are still together) and dated 2 years got engaged date another year (I wanted to be sure) and got married in Nov of 2000 when I was 26. He was 28. So there's no set time for when you go out.

Number 2: If you're not even sure what is considered a friend you have to be able to distinguish that. Meaning if you really don't know how to classify people then you don't know what potential is may have a friend who is a girl and she may just want more, but you're not even sure cause you don't know if she's your friend.. get my point.

Number 3: You gotta get your life in order before you will ever be able to survive in this world. Get yourself together first then worry about the rest of the world.
on May 08, 2005
It makes me angry sometimes. Love is something precious. Something I want desperately to be a part of. To think that someone could just play with it, and throw it away... Argh. Like I said, it makes me angry.

That will sum my feelings up quite well. I'm almost a Senior in highschool (I'm 17)...don't have a girlfriend, but I'd really like to have one. I know the lonely feeling, just about as well as one can. Kind of sad how I pine for love when the assholes get a dozen girls a week...when I, a rather nice guy if I say so myself, can't even get one...and I'm not really looking for sex, just a girlfriend would be great.